Hot Summer Months
Act fast because time is running out. The supply of available significant others is about to run thin in the Midwest. Based on purely anecdotal evidence and backed with self made theories I think are rock solid I’ve devised a chart that brings together the singles market for any particular year. Dark red being the hottest times to find a mate and blue being the impossible. Believe me when I say, the blackout months are coming in full force.
I’m not sure what it is exactly about December but to me it always seems like it’s on the cusp of break up time. Most people would think the opposite; maybe because Holidays bring a togetherness and so forth. I think it’s because right around that time you need to buy the person a Christmas gift you realize you don’t really want to spend money on them and maybe things aren’t as magical as they were when August hit and you had spent two months holding hands on the beach.
January to February can be tricky. If you’re seeking your perfect partner at this time just realize you’re likely a rebound and won’t make it past the big April dumping phase. Of course all those people meeting in April could be considered rebounders as well but it’s a whole new ball game here.
January sucks. It’s cold, miserable and grey. You’ll be doing everything right and if you’re a December rebound you’ll be lucky to make it to February 14th, if you do you’re surely dead in the water by mid April. My vast fictitious studies have shown that Valentines day has a Mini Christmas like effect that causes breakups for relationships that were never very serious. This is usually the ones that had recently started. Hello Rebounds your time has come.
May is when it really starts to heat up again though. Now that all the crappy months are behind us we venture out into the world again and realize: “holy shit my boyfriend/girlfriend is really boring compared to all these other people having fun with their lives!” We tend to ignore the fact that everyone has been inside hating on cold weather for the last 6 months. Also the temperature goes up, clothes start flying off and that person you’ve been lugging around since last summer, if you made it that far, is starting to stagnate in their looks.
No of course you’re not shallow like that, you’d never leave someone just because you found someone hotter. You’ll just find random things wrong with them until you work up enough reasons why it needs to be over. Being a May/June rebound is okay. With fantastic weather and a million events you can attend with your new partner it will be awhile before the other person catches on that the only reason you guys started seeing each other was because you were sorta hot and they needed a summer fling.
By mid June through the beginning of July you’d have to be horribly disfigured or a recluse to not find someone if you were trying. For the last two months the singles pool has been watching everyone else fall in love and really wants to play too. They’ve been third wheel more times than they want to think about and are just about ready to settle for anything coming by. Plus it’s really hot out and make believe research shows that makes people mildly retarded.
So here we are now approaching the current date. The cold death months. Two things happen in the next few weeks. Mass breakups and stick togethers. However this giant break up session does not bring on a new single market right away. The people who met in the beginning of summer may decide that they want this magic to continue and will stick it out, until Christmas time.
It appears that the single market does not start up again because we’ve had all the fun we needed for awhile in the summer and just want to spend the winter dicking around on the couch watching this season’s hottest new fall line up. The partial boost we see circling back up to december is you couch potatoes, having been lonely since August when you and your sweet pea went separate ways, want to reinvigorate.
Here and there you’ll find exceptions to the rule and also remember this applies only to the Midwest. I’m sure in places where it’s hot all year long and everyone has a billion dollars (Miami) it’s mating season forever. Just a big dark red circle of lust. You can try and prove me wrong in the coming months and attempt to find your soul mate during October but they’re probably too busy watching the latest episode of How I Met Your Mother to even notice you.
No Option
Choice sucks. Obviously that statement is taken to a extreme but for the purpose of writing this I’m going to stick to it.
The root of all choice problems can be identified with Subway. It’s their pointless and tedious sandwich creation system that has turned me into sounding like someone out of Ninteen Eighty-Four. Here’s what I’m talking about:
Ben: Hello Kind Sir, I would love to try your new Southwest Breakfast Sandwich that I have seen on my television. It looks positively delightful!
Subway Guy: Okay, what bread will you be having with this sandwich?
Wait, let’s pause for a second. Already the problem begins. What do you mean “what bread”? I want the bread on saw on TV. Why am I being asked this question? I suppose it’s semi legit since people are rather particular about their bread so we’ll go on.
Ben: I don’t know what options I have, how about just the one shown in the picture behind you.
Subway Guy: Okay, we will be having many kinds of bread… (proceed to rattle off 40,000 varieties of bread I didn’t even know were in existence)
Ben: That’s great, can I please have the bread in the picture behind you?
Subway Guy: Okay.
…
Subway Guy: What would you like to be having with this?
Ben: Umm, whatever comes on a Southwest Breakfast sandwich would be perfect please.
Subway Guy: Do you want peppers?
Ben: Is it supposed to have them!?
Subway Guy: You can put peppers on the sandwich.
Ben: Can you please just make this sandwich look like the sign behind you and what I’ve seen on TV?
Subway Guy: Would you be liking me to put onions on your sandwich?
Look subway, if I wanted to order my own sandwich from scratch I’d sit at home and probably make it myself. What is the point of naming any kind of sandwich if it’s not made from a specific list of ingredients? In the given situation I could say the name of almost any sandwich and walk out with a completely different one given my options.
Here’s subway’s real menu. Meatball, Philly Cheese Steak, A Sandwich, A Breakfast Sandwich.
Why complicate things by making me think you’re making me some kind of specially crafted sandwich if really the only thing I’m going to choose is what stupid meat I want on there.
Idea for Subway: Make your sandwiches to the recipe unless otherwise requested. For people who are not me and would like to customize their experience down to the leaf of lettuce continue to sell your most popular item “Sandwich.” Do not proceed to ask me how I would like my Buffalo Chicken sub created. I’m not a sandwich artist; I do not know. I would just like what I’ve seen on TV! Please understand because I’m a simple man.
Many people say they want choice but they really only think they do. If your choices are limited but the options are pretty good most people are happy. Want to argue that with me? Then answer this, do you own an iPhone yet?