Mom’s Journal
Two weeks before my delivery date the doctor thought there was a slight possibility of twins. He wasn’t the only one. Strangers asked me often (because of my size) if there was a chance of twins. However, from very early in my pregnancy 99% of everyone to wager a guess, guessed it would be a boy. I intuitively felt it would be a boy early within my seventh month. Until then I thought of people’s guesses as just what they were – guesses. The beginning of my ninth month Dr. Song predicted a boy from the sound of the baby’s heartbeat. Even as early as my seventh month I was getting very anxious. For me pregnancy was only the means to the end product – the baby we’d been trying to have for a year before I got pregnant.
Some of the names we talked about were -
Margo
Marjo
Greer
Mercedes Diamond
Reed
Colin
Sam
Max
Benjamin Moore
An ultra sound x-ray was done a week before my due date (April 30) to determine that it was only one baby. The baby was kicking so much it was difficult for the technician to complete the x-ray.
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Labor and Delivery
I started feeling a little sick on Sunday. May 1st. I could feel that the baby had dropped more than before. On Tuesday night I went to bed about 10:30. George had gone to a meeting at the hospital. I vaguely remember him coming in and showing me he had picked up our certificate for completing the 6-week Lamaze class. I woke up with contractions at 2 a.m. The first two were about 15 minutes apart. Then they started coming 8-53 minutes apart in no particular sequence. I woke George up at 6 O’clock. I couldn’t wait any longer to tell him I was having contractions. ”Call the doctor.” I said no you just get up and get ready for and then we will call the doctor. The contractions were not consistent and I kept thinking, “no this can’t be it – they started too close together.” We called the doctor at 7 and checked into the hospital a little after eight. I still kept thinking the nurse who examined me was going to say that I hadn’t dilated anymore and to go back home. But I was dilated two centimeters and went into the birthing room while Good Morning America was still on. George sat in a chair with his feet up & timed my contractions while we watched TV. I can remember the contractions started coming no longer than 2-3 minutes apart about the time All My Children was going off. George went to eat (finally) about 2. The contractors were becoming a little more than uncomfortable. From 3 o’clock until the time of birth I was contracting only on the pain of the contractions & grateful for the short rest in between them. Because the baby was posterior (his head) there was a lot of pressure on my back & the top of my legs. When I did start pushing about 4:15 or so the pain was so intense I felt like I couldn’t stand it. But, of course, I had to. George stood by the side of the bed now so I could squeeze his arm during the contractions. The Lamaze breathing was beginning not to be helpful in getting through the contractions. I threw up after some especially strong contractions. Mostly George and I were by ourselves with the nurse and the doctor coming in every once in a while. Once again Dr. Song’s predictions that the baby would be born around six was correct. As much as I wanted the nurse’s prediction of 5 to be closer to the truth the baby was born at 5:35 pm. I knew the moment he was finally coming out. George (who was supposed to be staying near my head) was right down there watching as the baby came out. I remember first seeing the look on his face and him saving “That’s amazing” the moment before the baby was placed on my stomach and I saw how beautiful our baby boy was. I have heard women say that initially the baby on them felt like a stranger – ” was that what was inside of me?” – in other words, some kind of distance to this new little stranger. I felt an extreme closeness, an instant strong emotion and bond to the baby placed on me.
—
Benjamin More Eubank
May 4, 1983, weighed 9 lbs 13 1/2 oz, 21 1/2 inches long with dark brown hair. His eyes were open when he was on my stomach after the birth. He had grabbed a pair of forceps as the doctor pulled him out & George had to help release them from his grip
~~~
The first week I was exhausted. I could have used help, help I thought I wouldn’t want for a while. It wouldn’t have been nearly so bad if I wasn’t extremely sore from the birth. I couldn’t sit down, I couldn’t raise myself up with him in my arms. Ben woke up every hour and wanted to nurse. I would nurse him for about 20 minutes, soothe him for about 20, he would sleep for about 20 minutes and be right back up. I wasn’t sleeping at all. He and I were sleeping on the pullout.
About the third week Ben started sleeping at night a little. He would sleep about four hours and then two hours and another two hours. He pushed himself off my lap for the first time & at night when I lay him down to sleeping on his stomach, he would somehow push himself all the way to the of his crib where his stuffed animals are.
—
Benjamin likes to fall asleep in the middle of everything - not in his crib.
He likes to be entertained – meaning to be held and talked to. He rarely is content to sit in his chair or lay on a blanket. He is Mr. Motion, always moving his arms and legs – even in his sleep a lot of times.
At almost five weeks now he seems most fascinated by night shadows. He watches them intently behind us, his eyes wide.
His grandmother Eubank is coming to see him this week & the other grandparents are counting the days until we come to Texas.
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7 Weeks
I started giving B. formula at 6 weeks. In only one week he has adjusted pretty well, although we went through three nights of his schedule being messed up, stomach cramps, and finally, a new formula. (Isomer-soy bean formula)
He is smiling a lot now (he started at about six weeks) & tries to communicate by going and sometimes lets out kind of a yell.
He is much more relaxed, taking both a morning and afternoon nap and last he -almost- slept through the night, sleeping 7 hours. His eyes have already turned brown. He and I have been going out ot the pool now & then. He wears the blue striped “Bing Crosby” hat we bought him he was two weeks old. It fits him snuggly now – it was huge on him.
He stills prefers not to sleep in his crib during the day. Since he can’t fit in the borrowed Moses bed anymore I have just been laying a quilt down on one of the couches & he sleeps for hours through all kinds of commotion.
We live on the third floor. There are two lights in the stairway coming up the steps. Already George is teaching Ben about the universe around him. He always says as we come up the stairs (and B. is looking at the lights) “this is the sun, Ben (the first light) and this is the moon.” (the second light.) This is probably more than enough universe for BME.
Right this moment he is lying on his red checkered quilt asleep (on his stomach) with his nursery rhyme-pictured blanket over him while King Kong is on the TV and Gomez is out of his cage carrying on about something in parrot.
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8 Weeks – 12 weeks
At 8 weeks, Ben made his first trip by jet plane. He was great and slept through the landing. His ears did seem not seem to be affected at all. It was in Texas, while visiting my parents and brothers that Ben’s personality blossomed. He waited (it seemed) for the boys to do or say something to make him laugh. He loved the ceiling fan in their living room and would by lie & watch it and smile. He also started watching TV (especially the rock video cable station). He stopped fussing before he fell asleep at night, instead we would just simply doze off while looking at the fan or being held.
Ben looks at everything now. He will contort his body trying to watch George or I as we leave the room. We bought a mobile for him when we got back from Texas to take the place of the fan. He loves it, but everything catches his interest now.
He turned himself over for the first time when he was 11 weeks old.
His babysitter’s name is Richie Eby, she likes to play bingo & watch “soaps”. She talks a lot and does to Ben all day too. He hasn’t seemed to have any problem adjusted to a sitter. I miss seeing him during the most alert times of the day but we still have some pretty good times when George and I get home. I have to keep him awake sometimes but he doesn’t seem to mind.
Ben will look at books with me now. I noticed he kept looking at catalogs or magazines I was reading and so I got out my big Cinderella book & showed it to him & told him the verbal story line. He was interested, I think.
He is getting mouthy. He thinks he is really saying something. Sometimes at night he sits in his chair & makes a rhythmic sound like singing just before he goes to sleep. He has been sleeping 7-10 hours at a time, and still takes good naps during the day. Usually a couple of hours in the morning and afternoon. He takes only his Isomer, his vitamins & fluoride.
Everyone says Ben looks mature for his age because he is so aware and conscious of his surroundings and also his physical prowess.
He looks at George now the way he looked towards his uncles - just waiting for him to do or say something so he can laugh. And just about anything his father does makes him laugh.
Ben moves swiftly in his walker. Swiftly backwards, but swiftly none the less. The first time he was placed in it he looked so proud of himself. He smiled & laughed & stood up. Just thought he was hot shit in general.
Ben likes his crib very much now & takes his naps there too.
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Ben 12-17 weeks
Baths are great stuff. The image in the mirror is funny looking. And standing up while holding mom/dad’s fingers or the walker is
living dangerously. Ben would rather play than eat. He is eating a little bit of rice cereal and drinking some juice.
On George’s 29th birthday, a few weeks ago, Pam & Phil had a surprise party for him. As a gift, they hired a belly dancer. we were all out on the patio when she came. Ben was in Adam’s walker, the woman came around from the side of the house & started dancing around George. She had long dark hair & a gold sequined costume on. We were all laughing. suddenly I thought to look at Ben to see how he was reacting to all of this. He was standing on his tip toes, his hands waving in the air, his head shacking – was literally trembling from head to toe. I picked him up – was stiff as a board & I tried to calm him down. It was as if, for him, it was a nightmare figure come to life….
It’s September 12, it’s getting to be Ben’s first Fall.
BME 4-6 months Nov. 2, 1983
One night a few weeks ago Ben discovered his universe had other rooms. It doesn’t just encompass the living room or his bedroom. He manipulates his walker to go wherever he likes and he knows which room contains what. “The study has the long curtains that sometimes just might be left draped down; it has the books, the birds and the little boy in the mirror; it used to have Dad’s bike until I pulled it on top of me and now that’s in the front room closet.” “The bathroom has magazines, the soap (sometimes) and the slick floor.” “The back room where Dad is usually sleeping when I get up has nice blue curtains with pink flowers; it has the closet door always open that I like to play with (even though my walker won’t go in the closet) – and right next to the closet door is the great big jar of change that I play with all the time; there’s the old swing I used to have to be in once in a while and I didn’t like – sometimes I pull on that – I’d like to see it fall down & crash one day if I could; There’s a the chair blocking off the area by the plans (unfortunately!). My room I pretty much stay away from unless my mom is cleaning it or something – I’m in there enough.” “And there’s the Kitchen with another big slick floor the boy in the over door and the towels I always put on top of my head; the trash is there too and if I can get to it I will.” “The living room has new things all the time I can get in too- one day I can’t reach the magazines on the table, the next day I can; one day I can’t pull the phone off the table & the next day someone has put it down in a different place yea! I can pull it right on top of me; I can terrorize Gomez by pulling on his to or his cage- I can play the stereo – I can see if the blinds have been left down by mistake & grab them – I can eat paper & try to pull out plugs- I can talk to the little eboy in the windows when it gets dark – I can watch TV – can grab soda cans – the boundaries of the living room are haphazard & limitless.”
My toy keys open up my universe every morning.
—
Ben has just started to hold his bottle, he sits up at an angle & then falls back down. He is more interested in learning to crawl than sitting up. He’s up on his knees rocking but that’s all. In the last couple of months the only word he has accidentally verbalized were “mom-mom” and & “mommy.”
He plays very hard during the day and his usually ready to go to bed around 8.
He is not afraid of the dark. the other morning he was up playing in the middle of the night with his busy box. In the morning I found all his little stuffed animals scattered all over the crib. Unless he wakes up crying (which is rare) he will go back to sleep if it looks like no one is awake.
Ben wants to eat, or at least taste, everything. The only thing he’s tried that I can say he didn’t seem to like was pumpkin pie & the hamburger in some stew George had made. He eats his cereal & also has some fruit. He loves bananas. The other night he insisted on eating dinner with us. He had little tastes of stew bread & grape kool-aid. I was afraid he had eaten so much he might get sick from the spices, etc. – but he didn’t. He loved it.
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Ben 6-12 months
Ben started crawling when he was six months old. For a very short time… He was barely 7 months old when he first pulled himself up on his play-pen. He was still in his seventh month when he, remarkably, simply, walked across his playpen one day. As Ben does with everything – his first discovery that he can do something new – only leads him to almost obsessively repeat the performance over & over again until he gets it right. Soon he was pulling himself up on the table, the couch, his high chair. And, of course, he had lots & lots of bruises. When we went to Danville at Christmas, Ben was taking several steps, unassisted. He was an excellent traveler – as always. Unfortunately, Ben was just getting over a small cold which had been causing him to have some trouble sleeping (I thought) & even though he was better, he would still awaken a couple of times during the night. in fact, he did that from his very first day he stood up to a couple of months ago. He screamed whenever I left the room when we were on vacation. I’m still not sure why exactly but it made our trip difficult in that sense. even when we first got back he would scream with Richie & cry for me when I left for work. But he got back o normal before his first week home was out. Richie thought he was mad at her for leaving him, and without his routine, he was worried I was going to leave him too.
The weather had just started getting nice enough for B. to play outside – he loves being out. We are moving to a house in Homewood the end of this month (May, 1984). It has a big backyard. Ben will have a pool in the backyard this summer.
He had his first birthday Friday. I made cupcakes that were decorated different colors & said “Happy B-Day Ben.” But I knew he wouldn’t really be interested in the cake. He doesn’t eat stuff like that - bread doesn’t interest him at all. He still eats & tries many different kinds of foods – yogurt, fish, spaghetti, pizza, ice cream. He has little desire to feed himself, however.
But – back to his birthday – he received many presents. Jody (Aunt doe-doe as she wants him to call her) gave him one of her huge teddy bears & also bought him a little piano that plays “This old Man” and then the magic man – a neat little man who sits permanently atop a blue & yellow ball – as it rolls he always stays on top. Great grandma Erthel Jones (his grandmother by friendship) got him a big red punching balloon and a little shopping cart. Pam & Phil & the kids got him a dashboard driving machine that you can shift gears & makes noises & lights up when you use the turn signals. Richie got him a practical gift – a toilet & Elmer, her husband bought him a little cart on wheels that carries four funny-looking plastic animals. He picked this out himself at the toy store. It’s also one of
his favorite toys over at Adam’s house so I wasn’t real surprised that he chose it. And George and I got him a Brio caterpillar toy, a top that has race cars zooming as it goes around & planes flying the opposite direction above them. We also got him a soft train that animals fit into. I want to get him a rocking chair but we are going to wait until we move.
Ben can say many words. Of course he has said many words once or twice & uses others frequently. He says (to name some) ”crackers, all gone, momma, Da Da, Pa Pa, Bath, George, Bye Bye, hi.” He seems very interested in how words sound. What he says, he says very clearly. He over emphasizes to get it right sometimes – like “George” he says “Geor——GE!”
Ben has quite a temper & gets furious when he can’t have what he wants – particularly if it is something he has worked very hard to for - a book of matches he has painfully labored for in a drawer just above his reach. I think he gets very frustrated thinking he hasn’t made himself or his wants understood. he will be happier when he can communicate more verbally it seems. He has a temperament a little like his uncle Jason. And always has that look in his eye as if he has just done something he shouldn’t have or is just about to.
When he laughs, he really lets loose. Ben laughs when his father laughs & sometimes he laughs for no apparent reason at people in the grocery store or on TV.
Subway: Redefining Meats Since 1965
What the hell Subway. Cold Cut Combo – That’s Bologna, Salami and Ham. But wait, what’s that you say? (All Meats Are Turkey Based). Okay assholes let’s go ahead and look up the definition of Ham: meat cut from the thigh of a hog. There’s a few others but they basically all the say the same thing. It’s a pig. It’s easy to be a little skeptical about what is in Bologna or Salami but there’s no way Ham can be Turkey.
Subway and I already have our problems so this is just one more thing. I don’t know how long the Cold Cut Combo has been tainted with gobblers but I sure won’t be eating it again. What I don’t understand is how come the Black Forest Ham is not made from Turkey? Are they using some awkward shit meat solely for the purpose of a Cold Cunt Combo? They must be. This sort of feels like the time I saw the paste they used to make chicken nuggets at McDonald’s. But worse…
Anyone that knows me would tell you I don’t care much about what goes on behind the scenes with my food. “As long as it tastes good” is what I say. And that still holds true but right now I feel a little bit cheated. When McDonald’s sells me an all beef patty, it might be every type of cow waste part under the sun, but at least it’s a cow. I’ve been deceived for how long? Here I am thinking I was eating a pig when it’s really some crappy bird that Fox Sports turns into a robot once a year. No Subway, you don’t get to do this to me. You don’t get to trick me into thinking I’m consuming something delicious by hiding small text under your meal.
Turkeys are also losers. I’m fed up with everything being made from them. They already took over our bacon and burgers, two sacred foods, and now they want to come and just rob Ham from us too? Will this trend carry out past Subway? “Excuse me Sir, does your store carry turkey ham? I don’t eat pork.”
So I have one more free idea for Subway. I swear I’m a genius but how about this:
Cold Cut Combo
Bologna, Salami & FUCKING TURKEY
Nerds
So many people I know have at one point in time called me a Nerd or Geek. While I find the word “Geek” some what acceptable (and possibly appropriate) I want to stand up and say one thing right now; I am not a nerd. To me a geek is someone who likes to learn things, usually technology oriented, but I have been known to “geek out” in a variety of other fashions. It’s understandable your average non-geek/nerd would confuse the two and use them interchangeably. Nerds like all the same things geeks like, truth, but they’re also disgusting cave creatures who take uncoolness to the next level. Unfortunately I have some friends who are nerds and might be put off by this next part but it’s time to really just put my frustrations with Nerd activities to rest.
Not sure if you’re a nerd? Well I’ve put together a good starter list. If you do more than one of these you’re in some serious trouble.
You Like Anime
Oh Man! Those Girls Are Bangin'
Over the top ridiculously loud and often senseless cartoons. Chicks with giant eyes, asses and tits to go with it. And stop right there. If you’re sitting there saying to yourself ”Dude tits and fine asses are cool” keep in mind we’re talking about cartoons. If you still think they’re cool well obviously it’s because you’re a nerd. Hate to spoil the party but not a single woman in the world looks like the girls in those cartoons; also many of them don’t fight with swords and belong to secret societies. The second problem here is, even if those girls did exist, please remember you’re a nerd and they’ll be repulsed by your Dorrito stained attire the second they have laid eyes upon you. Yes someone may like Anime for other reasons aside from tentacle rape scenes but you’re still going to be a nerd for watching.
You Still Read Comic Books
I’ve never really been into comic books, not even when it was appropriate to be. You know, when I was a child. It’s not quite as horrible as Anime (unless your comic book tastes are Manga) but it’s kind of like watching Saturday morning cartoons. You should have stopped about the same time it was awkward to be trick or treating.
You Dress Up For Movie Premieres
Do I really have to go into detail here? When you’re dressed like a storm trooper for opening night of Star Wars all I can think seeing you is: “ugh”. Actually that’s not even true. I hate Star Wars and would never go see it. And that’s not because liking Star Wars makes you a nerd; it’s because Star Wars, all them, are horrible movies.
You Even Partially Speak A Fake Language
Do you speak Klingon? How about refer to shit in the real world with terms you picked up in Harry Potter? Well that’s sad. See as a geek I would never spend the kind of time needed to learn it. Mainly because it will never be useful for any kind of intelligent conversation, ever. If you do everything I’ve mentioned on the list so far, god have mercy on your soul.
You Complain About FLAC And Other Audio Lossless Formats Being Unsupported By Devices On Internet Chat Forums
Yeesh, that’s a long one and probably just went over the head of anyone who isn’t a geek or nerd reading this. I’m basically talking about people who hate Mp3s, who claim that Mp3 music is essentially sounds like nails grinding on a chalk board. Instead of MP3s companies should support songs in other mostly obscure formats that are 10 times the file size of an MP3 to fix this problem.
You’re Over 18 And Your Parents Pay For Your World Of Warcraft Account
You have no excuse. There is nothing you can say or do to justify this. Playing WoW is bad enough, being too poor to actually afford it is another. Okay okay, maybe you’re in college right, full time. You don’t have time to work and have some sort of income that would pay for WoW so your parents help you. God knows school full time plus a 60-hours-a-week worth of WoW really does very little time for work.
You Wear Black On Black
Listed on the net as "My Favorite Black Jeans"
Black t-shirt tucked into your black jeans? Okay nerd. Even better that the blacks are different shades.
The Happiest Moment Of Your Life Can Recollect Happened In A Video Game
Remember that time when all I had left was my pistol and I took out the entire other team with one headshot each and didn’t get hit once? Really cool. I should write a book about it.
You Write Fan Fiction
You just couldn’t handle Fox cancelling Firefly. Continue the story with your horrible writing. Play out that sex fantasy between the two main characters you were dying to see but never got the chance. Maybe the characters will meet a new friend who is totally coincidentally the person you wish you were in real life. Now go post your awesome stories somewhere on the internet and watch another rerun of Deep Space Nine. P.S. If you read Fan Fic it’s equally horrible you’re just less creative and just subjecting yourself to someone else’s fantasy.
Hot Summer Months
Act fast because time is running out. The supply of available significant others is about to run thin in the Midwest. Based on purely anecdotal evidence and backed with self made theories I think are rock solid I’ve devised a chart that brings together the singles market for any particular year. Dark red being the hottest times to find a mate and blue being the impossible. Believe me when I say, the blackout months are coming in full force.
I’m not sure what it is exactly about December but to me it always seems like it’s on the cusp of break up time. Most people would think the opposite; maybe because Holidays bring a togetherness and so forth. I think it’s because right around that time you need to buy the person a Christmas gift you realize you don’t really want to spend money on them and maybe things aren’t as magical as they were when August hit and you had spent two months holding hands on the beach.
January to February can be tricky. If you’re seeking your perfect partner at this time just realize you’re likely a rebound and won’t make it past the big April dumping phase. Of course all those people meeting in April could be considered rebounders as well but it’s a whole new ball game here.
January sucks. It’s cold, miserable and grey. You’ll be doing everything right and if you’re a December rebound you’ll be lucky to make it to February 14th, if you do you’re surely dead in the water by mid April. My vast fictitious studies have shown that Valentines day has a Mini Christmas like effect that causes breakups for relationships that were never very serious. This is usually the ones that had recently started. Hello Rebounds your time has come.
May is when it really starts to heat up again though. Now that all the crappy months are behind us we venture out into the world again and realize: “holy shit my boyfriend/girlfriend is really boring compared to all these other people having fun with their lives!” We tend to ignore the fact that everyone has been inside hating on cold weather for the last 6 months. Also the temperature goes up, clothes start flying off and that person you’ve been lugging around since last summer, if you made it that far, is starting to stagnate in their looks.
No of course you’re not shallow like that, you’d never leave someone just because you found someone hotter. You’ll just find random things wrong with them until you work up enough reasons why it needs to be over. Being a May/June rebound is okay. With fantastic weather and a million events you can attend with your new partner it will be awhile before the other person catches on that the only reason you guys started seeing each other was because you were sorta hot and they needed a summer fling.
By mid June through the beginning of July you’d have to be horribly disfigured or a recluse to not find someone if you were trying. For the last two months the singles pool has been watching everyone else fall in love and really wants to play too. They’ve been third wheel more times than they want to think about and are just about ready to settle for anything coming by. Plus it’s really hot out and make believe research shows that makes people mildly retarded.
So here we are now approaching the current date. The cold death months. Two things happen in the next few weeks. Mass breakups and stick togethers. However this giant break up session does not bring on a new single market right away. The people who met in the beginning of summer may decide that they want this magic to continue and will stick it out, until Christmas time.
It appears that the single market does not start up again because we’ve had all the fun we needed for awhile in the summer and just want to spend the winter dicking around on the couch watching this season’s hottest new fall line up. The partial boost we see circling back up to december is you couch potatoes, having been lonely since August when you and your sweet pea went separate ways, want to reinvigorate.
Here and there you’ll find exceptions to the rule and also remember this applies only to the Midwest. I’m sure in places where it’s hot all year long and everyone has a billion dollars (Miami) it’s mating season forever. Just a big dark red circle of lust. You can try and prove me wrong in the coming months and attempt to find your soul mate during October but they’re probably too busy watching the latest episode of How I Met Your Mother to even notice you.
No Option
Choice sucks. Obviously that statement is taken to a extreme but for the purpose of writing this I’m going to stick to it.
The root of all choice problems can be identified with Subway. It’s their pointless and tedious sandwich creation system that has turned me into sounding like someone out of Ninteen Eighty-Four. Here’s what I’m talking about:
Ben: Hello Kind Sir, I would love to try your new Southwest Breakfast Sandwich that I have seen on my television. It looks positively delightful!
Subway Guy: Okay, what bread will you be having with this sandwich?
Wait, let’s pause for a second. Already the problem begins. What do you mean “what bread”? I want the bread on saw on TV. Why am I being asked this question? I suppose it’s semi legit since people are rather particular about their bread so we’ll go on.
Ben: I don’t know what options I have, how about just the one shown in the picture behind you.
Subway Guy: Okay, we will be having many kinds of bread… (proceed to rattle off 40,000 varieties of bread I didn’t even know were in existence)
Ben: That’s great, can I please have the bread in the picture behind you?
Subway Guy: Okay.
…
Subway Guy: What would you like to be having with this?
Ben: Umm, whatever comes on a Southwest Breakfast sandwich would be perfect please.
Subway Guy: Do you want peppers?
Ben: Is it supposed to have them!?
Subway Guy: You can put peppers on the sandwich.
Ben: Can you please just make this sandwich look like the sign behind you and what I’ve seen on TV?
Subway Guy: Would you be liking me to put onions on your sandwich?
Look subway, if I wanted to order my own sandwich from scratch I’d sit at home and probably make it myself. What is the point of naming any kind of sandwich if it’s not made from a specific list of ingredients? In the given situation I could say the name of almost any sandwich and walk out with a completely different one given my options.
Here’s subway’s real menu. Meatball, Philly Cheese Steak, A Sandwich, A Breakfast Sandwich.
Why complicate things by making me think you’re making me some kind of specially crafted sandwich if really the only thing I’m going to choose is what stupid meat I want on there.
Idea for Subway: Make your sandwiches to the recipe unless otherwise requested. For people who are not me and would like to customize their experience down to the leaf of lettuce continue to sell your most popular item “Sandwich.” Do not proceed to ask me how I would like my Buffalo Chicken sub created. I’m not a sandwich artist; I do not know. I would just like what I’ve seen on TV! Please understand because I’m a simple man.
Many people say they want choice but they really only think they do. If your choices are limited but the options are pretty good most people are happy. Want to argue that with me? Then answer this, do you own an iPhone yet?
Thanks Pals
A few months back in a small spur of inspiration I went to Costco and purchased a book of one hundred stamps. Having received a letter delivered by the mailman that was not junk it occurred to me that I like to get things that aren’t from Verizon, Sprint, ComEd, The Government, Allstate or Someone’s Wedding Invitation. My plan? Write my friends letters in the mail.
I didn’t ever expect them to write me back because who actually buys stamps these days when all your bills are paid online? Though I sort of expected some type of acknowledgment that I’ve mailed them. I thought “If I like getting stuff in the mail who wouldn’t?” At first I was a little bit worried because my boss had said “You’re going to what? No I don’t think they still sell stamps downstairs… Plus I’d think if any of my friends did that they would be weird.” At that time I just summed it up to jealousy that I wouldn’t be writing him and he’d just be stuck receiving free magazines at work from all the tech conferences he attended. Sucker.
I sent quite a number of letters. Most pointless, all handwritten, but took the painstaking time to do it anyway. I only received feedback about my letters once and it was along the lines of:
Friend: Dude, did you send me a letter?
Ben: Yeah, while I was in Nashville at the airport waiting for my plane.
Friend: Did you have a little kid write it?
Ben: No, I wrote it myself.
Friend: Wow your handwriting is complete shit.
Ambition to write new friends is now effectively Zero. I’m fully aware my handwriting is bad. It’s a drunken version of JinkyA font in a land where capitalization DoEsn’T HaVe MeaNinG. On top of writing like an ESL first grade drop out it takes me about fifty-nine thousand seven hundred and forty-seven times longer to scribble out nonsense by hand than anyone else on this Earth. I’m the DSL of written word, the Slowskis would adopt me.
If you are one of my friends who did not receive a letter and are sitting there a little “wtf” right now, well, I’m sorry. I was getting around to you eventually but now it may be never. Since I’ve disclosed my dark mail sending secret I no longer really want to do it. All the fun is ruined because the fun never really came in the first place. This has potential to be a bigger failure then when I finally attempt to solo N’Sync’s Bye Bye Bye at Karaoke; dance movies included.
The Bland World of Tech News
Gizmodo, CNET, PC World, Wired, eWeek, CNN… you are all failing me, and don’t feel bad, you’re not the only ones. Is it because talking about anything related to Apple raises hits on your site the reason about 25% of your articles are something related to the company? Please find something new and nerdy to report on and if you can’t do that then at least find something interesting to report on with Apple.
The whole stolen iPhone prototype story, not boring. The whole thing can be summed up like this: Apple employee gets his phone stolen, it looks different than other iPhones, was locked so no one has any idea how it runs. Excuse me while I change my pants because that is absolutely riveting. Yet Gizmodo ran with that garbage for days and any site that wasn’t Gizmodo just talked about their iPhone discovery. As far as I can tell in the world of Technology the only other thing that happened this week was Facebook had some privacy control changes for the 800th time in the last 30 days.
4 out of 7 Articles are Apple Related
Stop being so lazy, find some real news.
Someone Answer the Door
I mostly want to be rich to do all sorts of awesome pranks/stunts I can’t do in my current financial situation. I’ve been talking about a lot of these for years but it’s good to get them down in writing in case I happen to find a jackpot winning power ball ticket just kind of laying around on the ground somewhere.
Back when I first moved to Des Plaines in 2007 I started ordering groceries from PeaPod.com. It’s really not that much more expensive and I really think I should start doing it again. The produce is really nice. I started going back to the store again mainly because I wasn’t sure how to tip the delivery guy. Every time he would arrive I would have extreme anxiety about what was the right amount to tip; was I even supposed to tip? I was paying for delivery after all…
Tip or not the delivery man would always walk into my apartment set down the groceries and that’s when the gears started turning. I’d go to the web site and substitute my regular order of food consumables for 40 boxes of Trojan Condoms, 4 cases of beer and another 2 cases of water (just to make him do multiple trips back and forth to the truck).
Since the delivery times are fairly tight I would also arrange for half naked girls to be sprawled around the apartment. Hopefully they’d look all strung out. Upon entering my sanctuary I’d instruct the delivery man to put my beer cases “over there with the other ones” which would just be a collection of the same beer with visible dust on the box because I obviously was not drinking any of it. Perhaps during this entire sequence of events I’d be dressed like a pirate or ninja, something bazaar. Answer the door as a Furry?
In a way I’d feel a little bad for the awkward situation I might be creating for this Peapod man. I do believe though that he wouldn’t realize it was a gag and just have a “crazy story” to share with his friends. It’s a win/win because I’d also have a possibly hilariously uncomfortable video from recording the whole thing.
How to Be Internet Creepy
So maybe you’re a creepy dude in real life. People can tell and you’re thinking, “Man I’d really like to be more creepy in all aspects of my life, especially the Internet.” Well I’ve brainstormed a few ideas you can try out if you already haven’t.
eBay-Paypal-FaceBook
This one is easy and perfect. Go on eBay and sell some stuff, whatever you want, whatever you think a girl might purchase. College books would probably be a good bet. For maximum creeping and minimal investment you can buy used books and just turn around immediately and sell them. Chicks are into a lot of psychology and marketing, I’d start there.
Once your item is purchased and paid for with Paypal you will have that person’s name, address, email address and possibly even phone number. Use that information to look them up on Facebook.
Recent studies show that girls on Facebook actually really enjoy being personally contacted by people they would only consider vendors and being complimented on their looks. It doesn’t matter how many miles apart you and said female are make sure you unveil all your ideas behind relationships, marriage and your favorite scenes in Star Wars. Love knows no boundaries.
If it’s starting to seem like she’s not really digging this contact you’re not out of luck yet. Accidentally put some bank receipts showing your incredibly high checking account balance, because you have nowhere to go and spend it on, inside the front cover of the book. Once she gets the book and realizes you’re loaded things will surely turn around.
Between this and Craigslist I’d say it’s how I’ve met 95% of the girls I’ve dated.
Start a FlickR Account
Maybe you weren’t aware but there is a world of people just like you out there who have an extreme fetish for women’s ankles and perfect elbows. So what next? I wish I could take all the credit for the genius in this idea but unfortunately I stole this master plan from some other freaky dude who left comments on a picture for me once.
First create a FlickR account if you don’t have one already. Use an alias that is similar to what your interests are in my pretend scenario I’ll use the name “AnkleBoi69″. Make sure if you post any photos to mark them private, this way when people visit your page they won’t know what you’re actually uploading. Type in your favorite fetish words into Flickr’s group finder join the groups that might interest you.
Next comes the more difficult part. You’ll need to scour FlickR for people who aren’t already posting photos in your group and can relate to your interests. Once you’ve found these photos make sure to comment on the “sexy ankels” or “beautiful thumbs” whatever does it for you. If you’re the admin of a fetish FlickR group, invite them to share their photo there. When the person clicks on your name to find out more about you they won’t see any photos but they’ll get a glimpse at all the really sweet groups you belong to.
Post Stalk on Facebook
After you’ve friended a bunch of people you barely know on Facebook make sure you religiously hit F5 and look for their posts. The second something new comes out, comment on how hot the girl looks, or how awesome her post was. Do this for every post, if they don’t respond, do it more.
Write on their wall like you guys are old chaps, talk about things that happened three years ago the one time you met them like it was yesterday; “LOL remember when Jack spilled the beer on himself LOL THAT WAS SO FUNNY!” Talk about how you guys need to catch up on old times, constantly.
You Take Horrible Photos
If the title describes you, read on. To some, a lot of these tips will feel very obvious and repetitive from any photography material you may have read. Most of this geared towards shooting people and the main audience I’m looking to here is actually the point-and-shoot-I-don’t-know-anything crowd. With one small exception, shutter speed, I’m not going to cover anything technical. Everything I write will be stated as fact. A person might read these said facts and say “That’s not true Ben, I’ve shot XYZ this way before and it was perfect, you’re wrong.” For this reason I want to clarify that I will be stating things as true that may not be but they’re about as factual as me saying “You will never win the lottery.” Finally, when I say a photo is “good” I mean in the sense of nice lighting, not blurry, quality shot. Do not think I mean the kind of good that implies it’s an unforgettable moment captured and cherished forever.
Shoot in Full Auto – No Flash
The flash on your Point and shoot camera is garbage. It looks like ass and any picture you take with it will always look like you took it with a flash. Does that mean I’m telling you to never try and take a good picture with your flash indoors? Yeah, that’s pretty much exactly it. Anyone can absolutely still take flash pictures but don’t expect anything, you’ll just be capturing a moment.
Did you buy a camera with a variety of modes that you don’t know what they do? Don’t use them even if you think you have an inkling for what they do. Sure, some shots might look different when you take them in that mode but if you don’t understand the benefits you’ll likely use it at the wrong times. When it comes to the technical part all the camera manufactures have spent countless dollars making their auto feature better and better. The camera’s auto setting is a much better photographer than you in terms of picking the right settings for a shot. Just trust in it.
It’s No Where Near as Bright as You Think
Since I’m telling you to never use a flash you need to be conscious of the light you’re using. When shooting indoors a lot of people think just because they can see relatively well that the light is fine and it’s not. More often than not it’s too dark and too yellow. If your flash is turned off your camera’s auto mode will likely start sacrificing its shutter speed (how fast it takes the picture) to work. The shutter speed is the number you see on the camera and it reads things like 1/200, 1/120, 1/80, 1″, etc. If you’re starting to see anything less than 1/80 (one 80th of a second) reading from your camera your pictures will likely come out blurry. Either find some more light (natural light works best) or give up, turn on the flash and just take pictures. The shutter speed is usually on any details section on a photo you took and vary’s from camera to camera. Don’t worry about any of the other numbers, they’re too confusing.
There’s nothing wrong with not taking good pictures, you do this all the time already. It’s simply not possible to always be taking amazing shots without tons of equipment. This is why you hire a photographer with a lot of gear and not some kid that has an SLR and one lens to do important events. Or maybe you do, but you shouldn’t.
The Right Light
The best time to take photos is outside early in the morning, when everyone is asleep (so maybe it’s not the best time) or in the late afternoon when the sun is not directly overhead. Cloudy days are also excellent though any sky captured in your photo might look depressing. Here’s some general tips for getting good light.
- If it’s the middle of the day find shade for your subject(s) to be in. Try to only photograph the shaded area and avoid letting the bright light bleed into your picture.
- Do not have your subject’s face in the sun. No one likes sun in their eyes and they will squint. It will always be way too bright on their face and look washed out and terrible anyway.
- Avoid having the brightest light right behind your subject. Your camera will put its settings to match the background light and your subject will come out dark. Typically this is a situation where a photographer would run a flash on the subjects to adjust for the light difference but since your flash is a giant pile of crap so we won’t be doing that.
Having the proper light will improve your pictures instantly. The lack of proper light is usually the number one reason your pictures suck so much.
Some Things Will Always Look Like What They Are
Taking a photo in a bar, will look like you took a photo in the bar. Ready for another self portrait in the mirror? Good for you. These photos will never be good, there is nothing you can do to fix this. Either stop doing it or never expect anything from it. Nearing three million times I’ve been asked to take a picture for a group of drunk girls at a bar and thanks to digital they instantly want to know “IS IT GOOD? HOW DID IT TURN OUT?” I know that secretly means “I’m a little fat, can you tell?” and as far as picture quality goes, there isn’t any. If all your pictures are of this variety then I’ve just solved the mystery for you of why my pictures look so much better than yours.
What’s In Your Portrait Picture?
Generally you want to be as zoomed onto your subject as you can be. If you’re taking a picture of two friends together leave just a little space on either side and above them. Fully body shots are often unappealing so avoid that. Regardless of your zoom though be mindful of their rest of the scene. The people in the background, is anyone wearing bright colors? Can you see them in the shot? They’re distracting and people will notice. What about trash cans? A guy picking his nose? Something more interesting than the people you’re shooting? Any time you have a subject you want to make sure there is nothing that will take away from them. It sounds a lot easier than it is and many people are oblivious to anything other than the people standing directly in front of them. To make this as simple as possible here’s some easy things to just flat out avoid in your backgrounds
- Other people or pets
- Vehicles
- Man made objects (trash cans, neon signs, parking meters)
Some man made objects are actually good backdrops though and it’s usually the bigger then better. Objects that are generally good backgrounds are:
- Walls, full wall. Not the entire house.
- Train Cars
- Fences
Ultimately the best background is just the sky. If you can take a picture that looks off into a rather blank horizon (e.g. a beach, a field) that is your best bet.
It’s Not All About the Gear
It’s true, your point and shoot will likely never take better pictures than my nice DSLR camera. I have thousands of dollars of equipment that let me do all sorts of tricks you can’t. I can shoot indoors and it looks nice, I own flashes that cost more than your entire camera and lenses that would make for a nice down payment for a new car. That doesn’t mean your camera is a load of junk though. In the right lighting almost any standard digital camera of today will take sharp, vivid, respectable pictures. Typically in a shoot I take the easy route, if I can do one or all of the things mentioned above I will. So If all goes well, your shots won’t look a hell of a lot different from mine to the untrained eye.
One Final Note
Megapixel count mean very little; don’t be put off just because yours is smaller than everyone else’s. For once it doesn’t matter and it’s really how you use it.