How to Be Internet Creepy
So maybe you’re a creepy dude in real life. People can tell and you’re thinking, “Man I’d really like to be more creepy in all aspects of my life, especially the Internet.” Well I’ve brainstormed a few ideas you can try out if you already haven’t.
eBay-Paypal-FaceBook
This one is easy and perfect. Go on eBay and sell some stuff, whatever you want, whatever you think a girl might purchase. College books would probably be a good bet. For maximum creeping and minimal investment you can buy used books and just turn around immediately and sell them. Chicks are into a lot of psychology and marketing, I’d start there.
Once your item is purchased and paid for with Paypal you will have that person’s name, address, email address and possibly even phone number. Use that information to look them up on Facebook.
Recent studies show that girls on Facebook actually really enjoy being personally contacted by people they would only consider vendors and being complimented on their looks. It doesn’t matter how many miles apart you and said female are make sure you unveil all your ideas behind relationships, marriage and your favorite scenes in Star Wars. Love knows no boundaries.
If it’s starting to seem like she’s not really digging this contact you’re not out of luck yet. Accidentally put some bank receipts showing your incredibly high checking account balance, because you have nowhere to go and spend it on, inside the front cover of the book. Once she gets the book and realizes you’re loaded things will surely turn around.
Between this and Craigslist I’d say it’s how I’ve met 95% of the girls I’ve dated.
Start a FlickR Account
Maybe you weren’t aware but there is a world of people just like you out there who have an extreme fetish for women’s ankles and perfect elbows. So what next? I wish I could take all the credit for the genius in this idea but unfortunately I stole this master plan from some other freaky dude who left comments on a picture for me once.
First create a FlickR account if you don’t have one already. Use an alias that is similar to what your interests are in my pretend scenario I’ll use the name “AnkleBoi69″. Make sure if you post any photos to mark them private, this way when people visit your page they won’t know what you’re actually uploading. Type in your favorite fetish words into Flickr’s group finder join the groups that might interest you.
Next comes the more difficult part. You’ll need to scour FlickR for people who aren’t already posting photos in your group and can relate to your interests. Once you’ve found these photos make sure to comment on the “sexy ankels” or “beautiful thumbs” whatever does it for you. If you’re the admin of a fetish FlickR group, invite them to share their photo there. When the person clicks on your name to find out more about you they won’t see any photos but they’ll get a glimpse at all the really sweet groups you belong to.
Post Stalk on Facebook
After you’ve friended a bunch of people you barely know on Facebook make sure you religiously hit F5 and look for their posts. The second something new comes out, comment on how hot the girl looks, or how awesome her post was. Do this for every post, if they don’t respond, do it more.
Write on their wall like you guys are old chaps, talk about things that happened three years ago the one time you met them like it was yesterday; “LOL remember when Jack spilled the beer on himself LOL THAT WAS SO FUNNY!” Talk about how you guys need to catch up on old times, constantly.
Three Great Ideas
I feel like a genius, great ideas keep coming to me too fast to even write a single one down. I have three right now.
Green Corn
As I was laying around hating myself for deciding to get my money’s worth at all you can drink 10-2 saturday night the topic of corn came up. I view myself as a humanitarian, always looking to better the world for the sake of all of the world. Corn as you probably know is a food. Arguably it’s not a very healthy food, which is good, because that’s why this invention works. Humans have a hard time digesting this golden food product so when you eat it… it comes back. Regardless of health related issues people will still eat it. I’ve decided we should make the best of it by recycling the corn.
Using my patent pending hypothetical technology known as Kernel Recognition Technology (KRT) my invention will sift through human waste searching for corn. The CornCleaner will attach to any drain line of a house and collect good corn for reuse. The corn will be stored in a special Rubber Maid container that will email you when your corn is 80% full and ready to be harvested. I think as technology progresses SMS reminders and additions to your google calendar telling you to change the corn holder may also be available. Through special grants and government funding I’d hope to make this invention free for anyone.
Increased Donation Dollars by Eliminating Awareness
Last week my cellphone bill was ready so I popped onto the Verizon Wireless site to pay it. On the first page was something I just can’t get away from seeing. “Text [somenumber] to send $10 to Haiti.” Then that’s when the light bulbs started going off. My thought is that the point of fund raising is not to annoy people, but to raise money. The problem here is even if I give all the money I can to support the cause I’m still subjected to daily reminders that I need to be donating money. It’s not really fair and I think there’s a better way.
Each charity should have a Do Not Solicit limit and maybe levels leading up to it. For example, you decide you’ll donate $30 to Haiti. Next Ads for Haiti do not appear on your phone’s web site or on channels you only sometimes watch. $100 might get you most sites, your cable channels and maybe stop you from having to run a 5K, $200 and you never have to hear about Haiti donations again. This girl at work argued with me that my idea might lower donation dollars but I don’t think so. I think the people who are going to donate big bucks will already do that anyway and the people like me who don’t really donate will donate to save our sanity.
Some charity organizations should have time limits though. For example if you pay $200 to an AIDS or Cancer organization your tribute only lasts for X amount of time. Haiti will be rebuilt but Diabetes isn’t cured yet. Charity will need to be categorized. There’s no way I can donate to every cause, and there might even be some I don’t believe in. A few weeks ago during Holmes on Homes Sarah McLachlan hosted a commercial about saving poor hungry, cats. Yes I know some of you are like “YES CATS ARE MISTREATED EVERY DAY” but honestly there are so many other things I’d want to give my money to before cats. For this reason a final donation category should be created called “OPT OUT”.
After you’ve paid X dollars to four different classifications of charity you pay an additional larger sum to OPT OUT to remove the remainder of ads for your life for one calendar year. OO will take its money and redistribute it amongst all the remaining legitimate charities by % of donations they usually receive. So if it shows American Red Cross receives 50% of all American dollar donations per year they get 50% of OO money. This will stop people for starting random charities and gaining money through the program.
New Facebook Filters
There’s a serial flaw in the way Facebook does privacy. Either someone can see a certain feature or they can’t. I can block you from seeing all my wall posts or you can see them. I think a better approach would be able to block people based on words that appear in the posts. Someone decides to say all sorts of naughty words all over my wall, well now I can set that as a filter and none of my coworkers can see that. I don’t want to block them from seeing my entire wall; that doesn’t seem fair.
I just don’t want want to end up like my coworker Earl who constantly has his status updates say crude and unusual things. I think this would also be great for all of you like me who have family on their FaceBook. Hi Mom look at my awesome wallpost about my friends talking about me getting wasted and pissing off the roof of their condo!